I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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