dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
