Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
