I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
