if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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