Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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