Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
