Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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