I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
