just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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