Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
