No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
