just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
