Jerry, you need to find god
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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