even my farts smell like vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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