Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
