I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
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i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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