I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
