Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
