Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize