My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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