today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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