rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
