I'd wear matching sweaters with you
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
