Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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