I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
