a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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