My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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