i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
