You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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