Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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