weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
