I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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