Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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