HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
