sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
