After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
