Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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