This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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