I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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