god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
