I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
