toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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