The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
