I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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