I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
