I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
