Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
