i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
