I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
