My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
