Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
