God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
