In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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