You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
