This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
