So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
