she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
