there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
